When you are a little girl you start to dream of your wedding day at the age of 10. You have everything picked out. Your colors. Your wedding dress. Your bridesmaids. Everything. The wedding is planned. You even know the age you think you will be married by 25 of course.
Well as you get older you find out how complex love is. It isn’t as perfect as the storybooks presents it to be. Love will take you on a rollercoaster of emotions that no one can prepare you for.
I have had quite the love life. I am not even going to hold you. I have made great decisions. And I have stupid decisions like really dumb ones. I have stayed in relationships where I was not valued for the sake of “having a boyfriend”. I have overlooked people who could have been the one. I have been entangled. I have been cheated on. I have been come to as a woman. I have been hurt. I have cried my eyes out. I have ate ice cream. I have had sleepless nights. I have drank wine. I have suppressed my pain. I have hurt others as a result of me being hurt. I have felt butterflies. I have gone on dates. I have had passionate moments. I have received forehead kisses. I have smiled from ear to ear. I have done it all. But most importantly I do not regret a damn thing. The pain and the pleasure.
Earlier this year I had a moment where I cried in the shower because I looked at my hand and said “Damn girl you are about to be 30 and you ain’t even a wife. What are you doing with yourself?” Like really. I blamed myself. I asked myself what was wrong with me. I begged God and asked him to explain what was wrong. Was I not worthy of being a Mrs.
But then I realized that “I am enough”. I am enough in a relationship. And I am enough without one.
If I had to go back and do it all I would have cared less. I would have dated more. I would have loved myself more. I would have picked Christina always. I would have paid attention to warning signs. I would have saw the red flags and instead of proceeding with caution I would have not proceeded at all.
I have dated older. And that has been eye opening. Age is not always an indication of maturity and wisdom. But still try dating older at one point. And younger if it floats your boat. It doesn’t float mine.
In my mid 20s (25 to be precise) I was living and doing what I wanted. Doing what I wanted got me the love of my life. Jayce. Life is something. Sometimes God wants to show us who is really in control.
I have always been the friend with the crazy love story. My friends have gotten sick of me at one point or another. I am that friend that often wants to vent but usually ends up doing what I want. But now I have a therapist so Keisha gets most of the tea.
Another point about love. People are always going to do what they want to do. As they should. It is important to follow your heart and what works best for you. You are the one who will have to live with that decision good or bad.
What do I want as I approach 30 ? I want the love that God wants me to have and nothing less. I may be single for awhile. I may go on a few dates. Hell I may meet my husband tomorrow. Or I could have already met him. Who knows ! But I know that stressing about your love life is a waste of time. Invest that time into you and your own life. Everything will happen at the right time.
Continue to live your life. Continue to do what is best for you. If heartache finds you remember that the pain will always leave. Love yourself best. No one and I mean no one can love you like you.
Written by Christina Kanu
Photo Credit Rashod Harris
